New Job: Wrestling with self doubt

I’m starting a new job today.  Friday night,  something happened to me on a professional level that had me questioning my competency.  That night I

Aftermath part 3: The first visit.

As soon as I sit beside him, Dave says, “Kate, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be here.”  Tears roll down his cheeks.  He looks depleted.  Defenseless. Defeated. Hopeless.  Tears roll down my cheeks, “I know, I know.”

He needs more time.  He hasn’t

The Real Me

My therapist illuminated a mind boggling idea.

I always thought that the “real me” was an anxious, can’t-pull-it-off-in-the-clutch, player.  It never occurred to me that…That person was not

Poem: Self doubts

insidious  self-doubts

time wasted

….wavering,
………hesitating,
…………………..retreating,

…instead of living

 

(The periods were the only way I could publish the poem and keep the indented lines. Only the last line should have the 3 periods).

Stalled: Aftermath part 3

I have “Aftermath part 3” all prepped ready to post.  It was ready last weekend.  My reluctance to post it is that

Blogging–healthy or dysfunctional coping strategy?

I’m wondering if starting this blog is a healthy coping strategy, a dysfunctional one, or maybe a little of both?

1.  On one hand I see it as

“Maybe I should be dead”

Last night:  It’s late.  I towel dry my hair.  I walk toward Dave, he shuts the TV off and  says, “Shall we go to bed?”

I lie next to him. He props his  head up with his arm and looks at me.  He fills me in about what happened between him and Beth earlier in the evening.  I’m sleepy, but I try to pay attention.  I perk up when he says,

Hope

Last night was lovely.

Beth slept over her grandparents and Dave and I went out to wish a friend a happy birthday.  We ate dinner, talked and sang karaoke.

The highlight–Dave

Aftermath part 2: Humiliation and shame–At the emergency room after spouse’s near attempt.

This week I struggled a couple of times with telling Dave something and then immediately regretting saying what I said. My heart beats fast, and I am panicked, anxious that I may have