The Real Me

My therapist illuminated a mind boggling idea.

I always thought that the “real me” was an anxious, can’t-pull-it-off-in-the-clutch, player.  It never occurred to me that…That person was not the real me. That  the real me was the person removed of the layers of self-doubt and anxiety.  That people were not experiencing the real me.

That I was not experiencing the real me.

I am about to embark on a new journey in my professional life.  A job was offered  that was too professionally advantageous for me to turn down.  The job has the potential to grow my skills and take me toward the career path I desire.

Had I gone directly into that job after graduating–I might not have been as prepared–in the sense that my belief in my skills was still a bit wobbly.

Instead, I was hired last summer at a place with friendly coworkers and supportive supervisors that helped build my confidence.  My two supervisors mirrored that I was competent, capable and knowledgeable.   Both encouraged my input on the discussion of cases and concepts related to our profession and both heard and validated my ideas/perspective.  I’ll be leaving soon and I recognize now why I feel a sense of loss and sadness…It would be hard to lose such a positive mirroring place.

More and more I am seeing my strengths and what I am capable of.  As I move on I take with me the incredible gift of people believing in me and helping me to believe in myself.

The battle with my self doubts and fears is not over.  When people ask “aren’t you excited?”  Yes I am.  At the same time, I’m scared. But despite my self doubt and fears I will take the leap.

“I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’”
Isaiah 41:13

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.” Franklin Delano Roosevelt

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt”
William Shakespeare

Here’s a link to a devotional that I identified with–of someone who wrangles with self doubt and comparisons.  “Battling the Three Headed Monster” by Sharon Jaynes:

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/girlfriends/girlfriends-in-god-mar-21-2012.html

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2 thoughts on “The Real Me

  1. Notreadytoshare–One way I used to deal with the pain was by compartmentalizing. To others I seemed to function well. I got my job done. No one new how much pain I was in. I hid so much of me that I didn’t know who I was, what I felt, what I thought.

    Though you named yourself “notreadytoshare” I thank you for sharing your voice with me and the visitors to this site.

  2. Sometimes I feel as if I have lost “me” in this struggle. I use to love being around people: family and friends. Now I feel as if I have nothing to offer. I feel like I am in a constant cloud-numb. Who wants to be around someone like that?

    My husbands constant doubt, suicidal nature, withdrawal and silence has left me feeling inadequate, alone and unworthy of any other friendships.

    Maybe its a wall I have build to protect myself from the pain. The pain of not being able to make him happy, not being enough for him, not meeting his needs, not being able to help him.

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