Dave’s checking out today. It’s unclear to me if he’ll be coming home with me or if he’s going to stay with his sister. His sister told him on a visit that instead of ending it all (’cause he’s living with me) he should just come and live with her.
As we walk out, Dave said he’s optimistic. He’s had time to think. He’s glad to be alive.
I’m driving and Dave tells me “I’m going to go home with you, but I gotta do what’s best for me. I know you can’t change. So if you go off again, I‘m out of here.” Whoa, that hit pretty hard. I swallow my tears. He says he wants me to give him “complete acceptance,” yet the whole “I’m out of here” statement indicates that complete acceptance is not something he can give me. I want to say, “I have faults, but don’t forget my strengths” but it’s too early for me to voice this.
I can kind of understand him though. We’ve grown apart. We aren’t as close as we used to be. We’ve stopped seeing strengths; we’ve been focusing on each other’s weaknesses.
But how do I invest my heart in someone that may inevitably leave me? I’m bound to say something that will upset him and then he’s going to leave. Or worse…..
Through this whole thing, I’m cast as the bad guy. But there are two sides. I don’t want to upset him. I really try not to, so I hold my feelings in, and then I ultimately do get upset. He says hurtful things to me too. The difference is–I don’t feel like ending it all.
It’s 10:30 p.m. We’re lying in bed now talking, crying, and sharing our thoughts. We both say that we still love each other. I give him a letter listing the reasons why he should not end it all. The reasons I desperately could not think of in the spur of the moment when he called on the night of his attempt and asked me why he shouldn’t end it all.
(Note: if you haven’t read the rest of my “Aftermath” series of posts–this post actually comes from my journal and occurred more than 5 years ago.)