Why am I still up past 1 a.m.?
It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And this week my therapeutic support system went on vacation (my therapist and therapist coworker). My anxiety has been creeping up for the past couple of weeks and I was having a hard time holding it together on Tuesday to get through to the end of my work day.
My work really has me on edge and it’s been kicking up a lot of anxiety in me. This week it overflowed into my home life–and of course to the closest person to me, Dave. Dave needed me on Wednesday morning. I could tell he desperately wanted me to say that everything was going to be okay with his work situation. But I couldn’t say it.
If he was in this funk a couple weeks earlier, I could have said it and meant it. This week, I can’t even tell myself that things are going to be okay with my work–so how am I supposed to tell him that every thing’s going to be okay with his? But that kind of thinking on my part–is probably my stuff being projected onto him. My worldview at this time of who knows what to expect? Anything can happen. And it might not be okay.
Yesterday morning I was in a bit of a confrontive mode with him, trying to make him face the reality of his situation at work (not helpful). He got upset and turned his back on me and didn’t talk to me. He was still mad Thursday morning. And then he called in the afternoon and told me he needed to talk to me when I got home.
When he spoke to me, I could feel my throat tighten up and tears sting my eyes. Now that he was ready to talk to me, I did not want to let my guard down. I didn’t want to receive what he was offering me. And even though I was thinking, hey Kate he’s reflecting back to you what you are saying–and that’s what you said you wanted, I couldn’t accept it from him.
He was saying that all I had to say to him on Wednesday was that everything was going to be okay. And I said I couldn’t because I didn’t believe it. He said I attacked him Wednesday morning making him turn off and shut down and spend the whole day in bed. And I said I was confronting him with some realities and that he did that to himself. And that was the wrong thing to say.
My work stuff is spilling over into my home life and I am picking a fight with him and it’s absurd that I am because it’s not like he’s safe to fight with.
And the interesting thing was I was in supervision today with my boss and she said to me you are so cool headed about this whole work situation, and that if it were her she wouldn’t be. And I admitted to her that I appeared that way because I have to compartmentalize to do my job, but really inside I was scared. So I guess my fears and anxieties are warranted. It’s just that I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together for work.
I just hope Dave can keep it together. I can barely deal with my stuff and now I’m on overload trying to deal with his stuff, so I can’t.
At times like this it really is a time for me to say okay, I give up. I can’t do it on my own. I give it to you God. I need to meditate on the following verses and have them minister to me.
Phillipians 4: 6-7 (NIV) “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV) “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
1 Peter 5:6-7 (NIV) “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you..”
Joshua 1:9 (NIV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
John 14: 27 (NIV) “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”