Feeling Safe, At Last

It’s been a year since Dave moved out.  It’s a separation in the service of safety.  And it’s served Beth and I well.  I sleep better.  I’m not walking on eggshells.  I don’t feel responsible for his life anymore.  It’s calm. I got off the emotional roller coaster.

A key caveat of the separation was an agreement that he would go to individual therapy weekly.

A summary of what happened in the past few years: the good news–the suicidal threats stopped, and the internalization of anger decreased.  The bad news–the anger was now externalized and spilling out at work, on Beth, and myself.

So for safety’s sake we’re living separately. And Beth and I are thriving.  It wasn’t easy at first, she was really mad at me and expressing it, maybe because it was the first time she felt safe to do so. Or maybe because it was a WTF kind of a season–spewing all her suppressed upset that I stayed so long in such a bad situation. The layers of reasons–still to be uncovered.

But for now–I sleep better, laugh more, cry less, breathe easier.  And my relationship with Beth–it’s closer than ever, and I’m loving it.

Not sure what’s going to happen with my relationship with Dave. We’re both seeing individual therapists to get clear about our individual feelings, needs, and decisions about staying together or not.

We’ll see…