Tears spilled down my cheeks as I read her story. Perhaps you too will connect with it.
P. Bell said, about the aftermath of her husband’s suicide:
I think the anger comes from not knowing we were on rations. It is fuelled by the guilt we all felt.
We should have hugged you more, spent time with you, memorised every part of you, told you we loved you – had just one more day with you – because deep down, we feel that if we did that, you wouldn’t have killed yourself.
The point I am trying to make is that I get it. With suicide, what feels like a choice to other people was not a choice for you. Our love – and you had an ocean of people who felt that way about you – was not going to anchor you to this world when you felt there was no possibility, no hope.
She writes beautifully of her experience.
I saw you in everything. I saw you in the sea, imagining you in the shift, turn and swirl of water. I saw you at your graveside, in the freesias you so loved. I saw you in the birds you had encyclopaedic knowledge about, in the double rainbows that lit the sky the day we said goodbye to you.
I am touched by her words. Thank you P. Bell for sharing.