I haven’t written a piece for awhile. I’m going through an intense professional period in my life, and spare time is hard to come by. But I do want to make a quick report that things have been going well for Dave and I. There have been ups and downs for both of us, but we’ve weathered them well. We’re still going to couples therapy once a month, and we both go to individual. Right now I would say–that the individual sessions have really helped us to grow ourselves, and that helps to strengthen us as a couple.
I’m trusting him more now. I didn’t think there would ever be a day that I would say that.
But even though this has been a pretty rough period for us, as I’ve gotten very busy, and Dave has had to do a bit more for our family–Dave hasn’t tanked. There were times when we felt overwhelmed, but we got through them.
Dave still went to his automatic, “I should kill myself,” thinking, but he disputed those thoughts quickly, not allowing them to escalate into increased berating of himself and decreased self worth. Those thoughts will probably always be the first thoughts he has, they’re so ingrained, his knee-jerk response–but he seems to have developed some skills to fight those thoughts off (more later about the deeper changes he’s made regarding his value).
I’m almost through this intense period in my life and it will be nice to be able to give Dave and Beth more attention. Even though Dave misses my attention, we do quickly kiss each other on the forehead and reassure each other of our love for each other. That Dave can feel tired, overwhelmed but not tank is increasing my trust in him. I don’t feel as scared and panicked anymore.
Looking back a couple weeks ago, at my previous post, I thought that I had most of my fears about Dave attempting again, beat. Now I realize that my fears were merely compartmentalized, tucked away, ready to spring into action when some trigger, some reminder set them off.
The day after I wrote the previous post–I was in my therapy session tearfully explaining Continue reading →
Note: This post was created on 8-10-12, before the previouspost , but has just been fine tuned and posted.
We are fast approaching the anniversary of Dave’s attempt last year. I am acutely aware of this anniversary date, even though the sixth year anniversary date of his previous attempt passed without a thought.
At a staff meeting my boss shared news that shocked the entire staff. I couldn’t breathe. I took deep breaths–but my lungs felt void of air. The room felt heavy, somber. Tears filled my eyes rolling down my cheeks. My boss looked at me, knowing my background and said, “looks like that hit a nerve.” I nodded and said I was okay. She shared her own worries.
I continued to tell myself to take deep breaths. My air supply returned and I stopped tearing. The staff meeting continued as usual. My throat tightened as I commanded myself not to cry, not to feel. Continue reading →
It’s June 2nd. Wow! The 6th year anniversary of my husband Dave’s first attempt has come and gone. (I’ve been posting about my experiences after his first attempt in the “aftermath” thread).
The significance–this is the first year that I didn’t count down to the anniversary date. Instead in the month of May I counted down to my daughter Beth’s 12th birthday. I enjoyed Mother’s day. I mapped out and watched for Beth’s end of school events.
I lived life.
Life’s going well for us.
1) Dave’s taking his anti-depressant medication consistently. He really is a different person off of it or maybe withdrawing from it. Edgier. Irritable. Irascible. In both attempts he went off his meds. Continue reading →