This morning Dave and I lay in bed and talked.
I was especially aware of our level of engagement this morning because of the theme of my individual therapy session on Friday. More and more it’s becoming clear to me that I have been feeling increasingly distant from Dave. Recalling conversations that I initiate with Dave I remember that he rarely nods, says “uh huh,” or acknowledges that he is following my story. He doesn’t give an opinion, expand on the conversation, and there’s a lack of give-and-take.
What stood out about this morning’s conversation, was that Dave was engaged. It felt authentic, genuine, heart felt. I commented to Dave about this. And he agreed.
He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t so engaged in the evening conversations. And we agreed that conversations that happen at bedtime don’t last long before one of us falls asleep. We realized that the best time for us to talk–were these Saturday morning conversations. We tried to qualify it.
- First, we were not in a rush. We didn’t have to rush off to work or Sunday School. He said he had Saturday morning activities but there wasn’t as much of an urgency to get there on time.
- Second, we were wide awake after a good nights rest.
- Third, we were fresh, unaffected by a days worth of stressors.
- Fourth, there was a give-and-take style of conversation.
I let Dave know that this was the kind of engagement level I wanted from him. It’s what I need to feel close and connected to him.
What we’re not so sure of is how we can replicate this laid back, I-feel-at-home-with-you, you are important to me, kind of conversation at other times of the day/week.
Lying next to Dave, talking about our lives, our daughter, our dreams–Lovely and hopeful.
Private Pain: Living With A Suicidal Spouse 