I’m a forty-something wife and mother, employed full time.
This is my first blog, precipitated by my googling and not finding something that I could relate to regarding living with a suicidal spouse. This is a place to give myself a voice. It’s also a place to remind me of the good days when things get rough.
I’ve changed the names of all the participants to protect my family’s identity. I’ve named my husband Dave, my daughter–Beth, and I’m going by the name Kate.
Note: Dave always reads the preview version before I publish–making sure that he’s okay with what I’m posting publicly.
Also I apologize that I don’t always respond to reader comments. I accept and welcome comments because I think it’s important to give readers a voice and an opportunity to see that there are others out there living with a suicidal spouse. You are not alone.
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If you want more info about this blog–read my “Featured”/ first post called, “Life with a suicidal spouse–Seasons of private heartache” dated 2/20/12–the first/”Featured” post on my home page https://privatepainlivingwithasuicidalspouse.wordpress.com/
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Speaking to a professional is one way I’ve taken care of myself (self-care) and I highly encourage it. Options include talking to a psychologist, a marriage and family therapist, or other mental health professional.
Other options include calling the National Crisis Hotline (National 1-800-784-2433/1-800-273-8255), 911, or check yourself/loved one into a hospital to get assessed by a professional.
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This blog describes events in my life. Each post is just a snapshot, and cannot capture the nuances of both 1) my experiences and 2) the very important in-session interventions that occurred. It is not meant as a substitute for meeting with a professional.
Private Pain: Living With A Suicidal Spouse 
I don’t even know where to start. I love my wife.We have two beautiful children,a boy 7 and girl 10.Megan is very good as a nurse,too the point of being named nurse of the year 2yrs. ago for a whole very large medical facility.
After a series of events( death of her father,a close neighbor,her mothers breast cancer…) as well as a few other things,she has completely lost hope.
I find it so difficult to deal with because I’m a “mechanical” guy….you know,nuts and bolts,cause and effect.Aparently this does not apply well to mental issues. i.e. there is not always a reason for the depression,suicidal thoughts,etc.This is very hard to deal with for me.
To make matters worse,Im self employed so alot of out income depends on me. Its very hard to operate with all this on my mind,the appointments,the copays,therefore it affects creativeness,quality and deadlines. It could easily destroy my business.Then What do I do??? I still have to support everyone else even when she is down. Damnit this is hard!!!
I love her so much but I dont know how much I can really take sometimes.
To everyone else,I hope you find a way.You are not alone.
Wow I am going through the same thing as you. My husband attempted suicide many times. Most recent bring last night. Or so I thought. We had an argument Wednesday and I lost my head. I did scream snd say hurtful things. Everything is bottled up. The constant threats of him ending it, walking in front if a bus. He works outside. His first attempt was I n 1998. He left and drove far away, took lots of pills. But by the grace of God he woke up and somehow drove home. Last night he drank and threatened killing himself. I called his doc who told me to call 911. I had no idea they would send police and cuff him. He was taken to ER and released but was treated like a criminal. I feel so horrible. Now he is furious at me. I don’t know what to do.
Hi, I’m reading this blog and all your posts after my husband, who’s not only suicidal, depressed, ill, but also an alcoholic,declared to me that he’s going to kill himself Tuesday. He’s been threatening to commit suicide for the last 10 years. We have 4 Children together and have been married for 16 years. He’s always been the bread winner in the family, but recently he refuses to go to work, we are in so much debt because he’s been very frivolous with our money. His drinking is out of control, as is his temper. I only stay married to him because of the kids, I do love him, but I don’t like him at all. Part of me really doesn’t care if he takes his own life. At least I’ll be out of this insanity of a marriage, and the fear that goes along with coming home every day wondering if today will be the day. He’s a tortured soul, and with good reason, his parents relationship shaped who he has become. Along with his parents divorce there was fighting and infidelity. He witnessed all of that as a teen. However that can’t be an excuse to depression or how you turn out. I’m living proof of that. He projects his childhood on me every time he gets drunk we fights with me about someone else’s infidelities as if they were mine. I really don’t know what to do, get him help when he doesn’t want it. He refuses to go to the doctor, if I leave him than in my children’s eyes it will be my fault that he takes his own life. I don’t have anyone to turn to bc both my parents are deceased, his parents are awful people who are selfish and uncaring. To turn to friends is not an option bc people don’t really care about your problems. So writing to complete strangers for their advice seems like the better option. What would you do if you were me?
Hi Inga. I hear the pain of what you are going through. I don’t know what would be best for you, I can only speak of what has helped me. Seeking help from a mental health professional, (I see a psychologist) has helped support me immensely. My therapist listens, validates and empathizes with my experience, and helps me to think through and identify what I need and how to go about getting my needs met.
I just found your blog after several years of living with an often suicidal spouse. He’s never made an attempt- but the notion is always there. It’s been like walking in private, endless darkness. He’s trying- but I do not think this will ever leave him. I’ve stayed- barely- but cannot deny the damage this reality has done to me, my career, my well being.
Thank you -and your husband- for doing this blog. It is brave of you both. And it may be the only place where I know people understand my pain. Thank you for bringing a bit of comfort.
Hi Kate:
I’m Dese’Rae, the founder of Live Through This. Noticed that your blog referred to my site. Just wanted to say hello, and that I’m interested in what you have to say about being on the other end of a suicide attempt. I’ve been looking for guest bloggers for the LTT site, and would like to talk to you about the possibility of doing so eventually—I know you’re anonymous right now. Might you want to email me at des@livethroughthis.org?
Hope all is well.
Kate, I am so grateful I found this blog! Everything I’ve been reading is what I have experienced and felt. My husband is trying to get his meds straightened out. He is also starting therapy again. He had a plan to take his life two weeks ago, but by the grace of God I knew on that day that he would have to go to the hospital one way or another. I have been bearing the burden of his suicidal tendencies since 1999. I have felt so alone. Thank you for your honesty in writing this blog. I am definitely going to start therapy as soon as possible.
Hi bearing my soul. You’re welcome! Thank you for reading my story and your comment. Sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband. As you saw from the other commentators, we are not alone. I am glad to hear that you are going to start therapy. It’s hard to go through this alone and it’s been so helpful to have the support of my therapist.
Kate
Wow. I could have written this post. My husband has also struggled with suicidal thoughts since childhood. When I met him he was actually going through therapy for the first time after his mother discovered he was having suicidal thoughts. After 7 years of marriage I discovered a very detailed plan of his suicide-which I discovered just a few days before he planned to take his life. After just a few short months of therapy he seemed to be doing great. Fast forward 4 years and again I found another rough draft of his suicide note.
He talks about the constant pain he is in and that he has always felt he would take his own life.
This last time I asked if he would go to therapy, he flat out refused. I told him he needed to do something because I cannot remain married to a suicidal man. I told him it wasn’t safe or fair to his children. In the first letter I found, 7 years ago, he actually stated that he had been putting it off for so long because of our son. He didn’t want to disappoint him.
I feel so alone. This isn’t something you can talk with to friends or family. Nobody understands his day to day struggles. Even he doesn’t. He won’t talk to me about anything. We are just strangers that share a mortgage.
Hi notreadytoshare,
I am sorry about what you are going through and that you are alone carrying it all. It may or may not fit for you but sometimes the partner struggling with the suicidal spouse can find help in going to therapy to process one’s feelings and thoughts. I’m not sure if you would find that helpful, but it helped me get through some very rough patches.
Hi Nicole,
Sorry to hear about your struggle. Feeling so alone has been one of the most difficult things about dealing with my husband–not having another soul understand what I’m going through. Thank you for reading my story and I’m glad to know that my story has touched your life in some way.
I felt so incredibly alone in my struggle until I found your blog. I see so much of my husband in yours. He had gone to therapy for awhile and was on medication, but when we changed insurance, he never went back and has stopped taking his medication. I’m trying to convince him to go back, but I haven’t been successful yet. I’m hoping the bottom isn’t what it takes. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps more than you can ever know.
Welcome Rainier. It’s really hard to go through what you’ve gone through in the last 9 weeks. As you said “the heartbreak” and “emotional confusion”–and feeling so alone in it–just weighs on one’s heart and mind. I’m glad to hear that you’ve got some friends coming alongside you through this really difficult time. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have also struggled to find any info and help online for a spouse going thru this pain. However, I have felt greatly encouraged and understood just by reading your featured first post. Thats first time i have felt that im not alone in this. I can absolutely relate to your experience. I have been struggling to put into words the heartbreak and emotional confussion that has occurred in my life over the last 9 weeks since my wife made her first attempt. I have some good friends helping me and my wife is also getting treatment, she was in hospital for over six weeks, then was released into her mothers care. That was so hard seeing her go to her Mum’s place instead of coming home. She has been home now just over a week, and we are taking it a day at a time. Some days are better than others. Thank you for sharing I have really appreciated your honesty. Blessings, Rainier
Nice to meet you Kate. I am now following your blog. maxi xx
Hi Maxi,
Nice to meet you too. Thanks for following my blog.
Kate : )
You’re welcome! x